Masking an Escape (M.A.E)

Escape. We've all heard about engrossing oneself in a particular subject, but that's the neurotypical stance. But for me, escape meant only one thing: running away.

Why do I say this? It's purely because I had experienced moderate academic trauma due to my 'hindrances' of a learning disability and Asperger's Syndrome, a subset of ASD or autism spectrum disorder characterised by intense engagement in one or more subjects, low interest in 'normal' activities and so on. As a result of this, I would spend the next 5 years reframing my trauma through a combination of EMDR and CBT therapies to understand why I wasn't able to let go of these toxic thoughts that had festered in my head since the 18th of June 2018, when I graduated from Harris Academy Chafford Hundred.

Therefore, for the past 5 years, I have had to pick up the pieces of my life that the school refused to let me live, I now consider my early 20s, the childhood I should've had.

An example of where this occurred, was my 2023 visit to Japan with my father, as a delayed 21st birthday present, and as a bonus, we visited the country during the Sakura season, to do some hanami or cherry-blossom viewing, as well as explore the cities in western and eastern Japan, starting in Osaka and terminating in Tokyo, excluding the trip back through Shin-Osaka to Kansai International Airport due to a last-minute flight change.

An example of where I let my inner child run free was in Tokyo, specifically a visit to the Pokemon Centre in the Nihombashi district, I didn't feel ostracised at all for buying Pokemon plush toys, as I knew I wouldn't be judged. It was a true childhood dream.

Another area where I could let my mask drop was my interest in railways and trains, as I felt that my interest in Japan and my likes for differing rolling stock types coalesced in a large photo gallery that can be viewed here: https://manage.wix.com/dashboard/354920de-3adb-4781-8867-8264e02d6849/blog/3def79db-b93d-45d3-a29c-556937772d4c/edit

As well as this, I was also able to indulge in my hobbies with a support worker whom I see twice a week.

We'd talk Pokemon, Japanese culture, and a whole manner of things. This is one way that I can nurture my inner child without fear.

I feel like I have managed to overcome the majority of my traumas, as I felt that the main driving force as to why I was masking for so long, was a fear of being myself; which wasn't helped by the phenomenon known as 'learned helplessness' which describes a situation, or situations where someone who sees themselves as able to handle tasks efficiently, yet they are assisted regardless. After 'removing the blinders' so to speak, I realised that I was more capable than I gave myself credit for. I mean, I was able to teach myself Japanese, train for an adaptive sporting event, go to Japan, utilise my linguistic abilities to further connect with locals, and so much more.

From now on, I won't be afraid to display my true self, the good and the bad. This year and into next year, I will no longer be masking an escape. For clarification on the titling; MAE can also be read as mai-e which can mean front in Japanese. I felt it a good idea to use this title as I felt it connected the subject matter to the issues discussed.

See you on the other side.